twenty-eight...

just an ordinary number...

a number that holds no meaning for some,

a very important one for others...

however for me, this number is:

a painful reminder...

a harsh truth...

a bleak future for me...

a melancholic episode of my life...

my choices served no value whenever

i am affronted with this essence... :(

till next time

ja ne...

choices...

never expect...
never assume...
never ask...
and never demand...
just let it be...
because,
if its meant to be,
it will be...

I was given 3 options... these three would definitely veer me off from the conventional sometimes boring path that I am journeying... these three would either help me or break me... I sometimes refer to it as "do or die"... and now... just now.. I still don't know which among the three I would gladly choose and stand firm midst the consequences... spacing out... I wonder...

"My thoughts has been with this one thing and one thing only... I'm falling in love with you.. and I know it is a mistake. I tried to make my self think that we're just friends not more than that... but my feelings for you grow stronger day by day... I should stop I know... I should not hope nor assume especially because you already have a girlfriend for 6 years... I am trying.. but it is so difficult it's killing me... I want to be with you, and yet, each moment with you right now is so painful... But hey... don't worry I'll be fine... we will be fine... as friends I guess?!?!!!"

"Have you ever loved someone you cannot have? Have you ever wanted or needed someone so badly that even if you're always doing things together, you still want more? Being just friends is no longer enough for you? I know I should be happy, really happy that I always have you around, doing things we like together, but I want more... I want you... I need you.. Why?.... It's because I love you so dearly... can we be more than just friends?.... "

"I am OK... I am certainly fine... hey... nothing's wrong... I have a lot of things in mind.. family, friends, work, or money... certainly money... ha ha ha... but really... everything is great ;)"


These thoughts always linger... which is which?... what to do?... how to do it?... I always use the third one as my escape route whenever he asks me why I am depress... but I guess the third one is not helping me anymore... it's betrayal is so clear that I need to choose between the first two... My inclination is with the first... I want to be honest, true and not demand nor beg for his love... but I have no strength to relay all these to him... I don't know.. for now I just can't...

Whenever I think of myself telling him all my thoughts, everything will shatter as I think of the consequences... He might not want to see me anymore... he might see me as opportunist... he might hate me... these and our friendship, our story ends... I don't want our friendship to end..  a big NO. This is one of my biggest fears... losing him as my friend... I don't think I can take it...

As I sit here and type all these words, I've been weighing my options... but in the end, whichever I will choose, I have to be firm and I have to be strong... Oh please Lord, help me keep my sanity and please give me the strength to endure the consequences of the actions I am doing and all other things I am about to execute....

I have learned that we need to decide what is good or bad for our selves... and we need to back it up with all our energy, with all our powers to remain whole... for after all, we are our choices...

till next time...

ja ne...

A Very Special Name

it just happen real quick... we call each other such cute pet names...

Calling someone you love with special name or endearment is common to all lovely couples out there... My friends called their girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband "cupcake", "sugar", "honey", "sweetheart", "tart", "love", "miel", "popot" and many others...

According to wiki, an endearment is a word or phrase used to address and/or describe a person, animal or inanimate object for which the speaker feels love or affection. Each term has its own meaning depending on the user... It is for me a very special name... 

I however never expected that we (me and the person that I can't have) will be calling each other such cute names and the feeling and the thought of it send chills all throughout my body... 

Though for him, maybe calling me by that name amuses him... but for me... its a different thing... I consider it so special that I cannot even write it here our cute names for each other... 

I saw this image in Google image search as I wasted my hours googling anything just to forget the word "bored"...

I just hope I am special to him...
or he would love me...
albeit, he loves someone else...

Just reading the quote made me giggle... he he he girly thing... yeah.. the sad thing is, the current ME is just giving colors and deeper meaning to all the things he is doing for me...

And I have these thoughts that he would love me... and that he would choose me (if ever he realizes he loves me)...

There is only one thing I could say to myself right now and that is... "You Wish"... I know I am only having these wishful thinking... and I know I can't have him... oh Pain.. you are still there hurting me as always...

I also want to share this image since this is the one of the many things I wanted... 

Finally before I go to sleep I have one question to all my readers (if someone is reading this lols)...

Would it be bad to be selfish once in a while?

till next time...

ja ne...