i'll be sharing bits and pieces of my simple journey. from lusciously delicious foods to awesome adventures... nothing could ever stop an angels' flight ^__^...
SIMPLY BEING ME!
Life is a mystery... smiles maybe worn to hide tears... those who seem happy may be keeping in their hearts, some pain so severe...
"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you're a good person and a good friend. What's meant to be will end up good and what's not - won't. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don't lose something real".
Always fight, until you can't anymore, and then be fought for. just sharing these words i met online... i guess i would be teaching myself to choose happiness instead... i like to spell it happyness though...
never expect... never assume... never ask... and never demand... just let it be... because, if its meant to be, it will be...
I was given 3 options... these three would definitely veer me off from the conventional sometimes boring path that I am journeying... these three would either help me or break me... I sometimes refer to it as "do or die"... and now... just now.. I still don't know which among the three I would gladly choose and stand firm midst the consequences... spacing out... I wonder...
"My thoughts has been with this one thing and one thing only... I'm falling in love with you.. and I know it is a mistake. I tried to make my self think that we're just friends not more than that... but my feelings for you grow stronger day by day... I should stop I know... I should not hope nor assume especially because you already have a girlfriend for 6 years... I am trying.. but it is so difficult it's killing me... I want to be with you, and yet, each moment with you right now is so painful... But hey... don't worry I'll be fine... we will be fine... as friends I guess?!?!!!"
"Have you ever loved someone you cannot have? Have you ever wanted or needed someone so badly that even if you're always doing things together, you still want more? Being just friends is no longer enough for you? I know I should be happy, really happy that I always have you around, doing things we like together, but I want more... I want you... I need you.. Why?.... It's because I love you so dearly... can we be more than just friends?.... "
"I am OK... I am certainly fine... hey... nothing's wrong... I have a lot of things in mind.. family, friends, work, or money... certainly money... ha ha ha... but really... everything is great ;)"
These thoughts always linger... which is which?... what to do?... how to do it?... I always use the third one as my escape route whenever he asks me why I am depress... but I guess the third one is not helping me anymore... it's betrayal is so clear that I need to choose between the first two... My inclination is with the first... I want to be honest, true and not demand nor beg for his love... but I have no strength to relay all these to him... I don't know.. for now I just can't...
Whenever I think of myself telling him all my thoughts, everything will shatter as I think of the consequences... He might not want to see me anymore... he might see me as opportunist... he might hate me... these and our friendship, our story ends... I don't want our friendship to end.. a big NO. This is one of my biggest fears... losing him as my friend... I don't think I can take it...
As I sit here and type all these words, I've been weighing my options... but in the end, whichever I will choose, I have to be firm and I have to be strong... Oh please Lord, help me keep my sanity and please give me the strength to endure the consequences of the actions I am doing and all other things I am about to execute....
I have learned that we need to decide what is good or bad for our selves... and we need to back it up with all our energy, with all our powers to remain whole... for after all, we are our choices...
it just happen real quick... we call each other such cute pet names...
Calling someone you love with special name or endearment is common to all lovely couples out there... My friends called their girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband "cupcake", "sugar", "honey", "sweetheart", "tart", "love", "miel", "popot" and many others...
According to wiki, an endearment is a word or phrase used to address and/or describe a person, animal or inanimate object for which the speaker feels love or affection. Each term has its own meaning depending on the user... It is for me a very special name...
I however never expected that we (me and the person that I can't have) will be calling each other such cute names and the feeling and the thought of it send chills all throughout my body...
Though for him, maybe calling me by that name amuses him... but for me... its a different thing... I consider it so special that I cannot even write it here our cute names for each other...
I saw this image in Google image search as I wasted my hours googling anything just to forget the word "bored"...
I just hope I am special to him... or he would love me... albeit, he loves someone else...
Just reading the quote made me giggle... he he he girly thing... yeah.. the sad thing is, the current ME is just giving colors and deeper meaning to all the things he is doing for me...
And I have these thoughts that he would love me... and that he would choose me (if ever he realizes he loves me)...
There is only one thing I could say to myself right now and that is... "You Wish"... I know I am only having these wishful thinking... and I know I can't have him... oh Pain.. you are still there hurting me as always...
I also want to share this image since this is the one of the many things I wanted...
Finally before I go to sleep I have one question to all my readers (if someone is reading this lols)...
the wind whispered something to me... "the night sky is willing to listen..." and so we did have a good chat...
i have told the night sky all my thoughts about you... and with silent delight the moon and the stars smiled at me... shone their lights brightly... i guess they understood every word I've said... indeed, i have found good listeners...
The moment when you're about to take a leap of faith... everything's a blur and all you see is how your life matters to you... that is the reason why when you jump, all you feel is fear... fear of losing your life... fear of not seeing the light... fear of "FEAR" itself...
"I want my jump to be perfect... a perfect dive perhaps..."
These were the words I kept playing in my mind weeks before our Bungee Jump Adventure. I was scared, but then again, the adventurous me wanted to challenge thy self and face one among the many definition of FEAR...
Bungee Jump or otherwise spelled as Bungy Jump...
Well don't be confused with the spelling.. according to UK Bungee, the two spellings are correct... "Bungee" is commonly used in UK, Europe and America while "Bungy" is used as a spelling commonly throughout Australia and New Zealand...
So much for spelling scrutiny... let me tell you how this jump scared me to hell!
May 25, 2013... the day I was the scariest and the bravest of my entire existence... WOAH! Quite heavy isn't it?!... he he he... I even marked this day as EXTREMES 2013. We had our Paragliding activity the morning of May 25th, while we did the Bungy jump in the afternoon. I will be posting a separate entry for our Paragliding experience so you might want to read it as well... hihihi...
We went to Minakami, Gunma Prefecture, Japan just to experience FEAR! o_O We had a reservation at Bungy Japan. A friend of mine rented a car and we went to Minakami by car... it was a long ride but then again, it was totally worth it...
There were 8 of us who took the Bungy Jump Challenge... I was the 6th person to jump and seeing my friends jump one after the other and finished the challenged, I was encouraged to do the same but was scared even more...
lub-dub...lub-dub...
lub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub
My heart beat gone wild when it was my turn to jump, the Bungy crew requested me to step on the scale to re-check my weight in kilograms (I was 54 kilos... what??? I gained weight?... OMG!) yeah that's me still able to be shocked at my weight midst the scary moment I am about to experience... I was then lead to sit on a mini chair while they harness me and checked the rope and carabiners not once but twice... observing what they did, I was able to relax a little (thinking to myself... this is a safe extreme sport...) Bungy Japan crew value safety as their first priority...
lub-dub...lub-dub...
lub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub
And then I was asked to step at the ledge... and I said to myself.. "this is it"... I tried to hold the bar at my side but the crew won't let me... my mind was racing... "why?!?! oh please... just let me hold the bars... I'm scared..." and then the crew asked if I'm ready... I replied... "no. I am not" then there goes my heart beat again...
lub-dub...lub-dub...
lub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub
ub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub
I said "wait a minute"... but then I thought... a minute wait is way too long... and then I said... "ok.. I will jump now"... and then the crew counted... "5...4...3...2...1...BUNGY!!!"
lub-dub...lub-dub...
lub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub
ub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub,lub-dub
And then I jumped... I felt my heart stopped for a millisecond... there was silence.. and then I heard the CHEERS!!! I've made it.. I was able to jump (teary eyed)...
While the Bungy Japan crew were working to lower me down to the raft... my whole body was shaking... shivering not because I'm cold.. but probably because FEAR was able to touch my innermost being... I want to touch something... and then I heard one of the crew shouting "touch the bar"... I saw him lifted a long bar and I hold it.. He grabbed me and then released me from the harness... I was still shaking and he praised, smiled at me and said... "Congratulations... you've made it... you kicked FEAR's ass!" I laughed... it was a great way of comforting somebody who for a split of seconds, experienced Hell... so great.. it gave a tingling warmth to my heart ^_^... I was grateful!
Here are the pictures they took during my jump...
YEEYYY!!! I am so proud of this!
The best thing about the Bungy Japan is that they can capture the "moment" and you'll be given a Certificate of Courage that you can hang on your wall for bragging purposes wahahahhaha... I paid 2500 yen to get a copy of the photos during my jump and the photos were great \(^_^)/...
My friend Van recorded each one of our jumps and created a cool video out of it... please check out the video... I just want to quote her message here as well since I was deeply touched at what she wrote...
"Certificate of Bravery is not enough. Gold medals should be awarded."
Seeing the video and the photos again and again... I then ask myself... where is "the perfect jump... the perfect dive"?!? WAAAAAH!!! I then criticized myself at how pathetic my jump was... LOL... the 2nd and the last jumper had the best jumps... they really had their best jump moment... then again... so what?!?... when you are about to jump... you can't think of anything else... rather, you cannot even think...
all you feel is the fear...
all you hear is your own racing heart beat...
Nevertheless, if you don't have health problems... you should at least include this Bungy/Bungee Jump in your Life's Bucket List... you should try this to face your fears head-on! The experience of facing FEAR can eventually be helpful, it can mold you to become a stronger person... may it not be today but may be tomorrow or someday...
Fall like you are flying,
because COURAGE is after all, not the absence of FEAR,
but the ability to MOVE FORWARD despite it's presence...
And at last I see the light... And it's like the fog has lifted...
A friend of mine posted this short note about love on Facebook... I love the content and I just want to share it here...
The thing about love...
It’s not just about the butterflies in your tummy, the blush of your cheeks or the twinkle in your eyes. It’s not only about all those sleepless nights you spent talking and laughing and sharing nor is it about all those endless days you spent thinking and dreaming and wishing. It’s not just about the euphoria that sends you flying when you least expect it. It’s not just about the serenity you feel in their presence. It’s not just the number of times you almost died (what with all the times your heart skipped a beat or two).
It’s not just about the name that pops up in your mind as you read through this (and the smile on your face as you realize it). But it’s also not just about the sinking pit in your stomach, the sting of your cheeks or the tears in your eyes. It’s not only all those sleepless nights you spent waiting and praying and longing nor is it about all those endless days you spent thinking and doubting and hoping. It’s not just about the jealousy and doubt that sends you crashing when you least expect it. It’s not just about the loneliness you feel in their absence. It’s not just the number of times you almost died (what with all the times your heart was crushed).
It’s not just about the name that pops up in your mind as you read through this (and the frown on your face as you realize it).
The thing about Love is… it’s all these things and more.
So much more.
Love could be simple and clear. But it could also be terribly confusing.
Love is seeing everything- flaws and all -and accepting.
Love could be bringing over ice cream late at night, or it could be tear-stained shoulders. Love could also be high-fives and fist bumps.
Love could teach, but it also learns.
Love could make us kind and Love could make us hate.
Love could be holding on with all you’ve got, despite the problems and all the reasons why you should just stop. But Love could also be letting go because you know they’d be happier if you set them free.
Love could last a lifetime but it could also last only for a moment.
Love could be a million of questions, but Love is the only answer.
I guess I'd rather he be happy even if it means I'm not...
Lately, I have been so down, depressed maybe, and lazy to do anything... It took me a while before I get myself to write this blog entry. Kinda frustrating to know that you are bored because you are bored, not doing anything and you feel that there is no point in living "Life".
I love and value my life so much that it hurts me right now when I realized I have thoughts of giving up... this might sound alarming to some, but sometimes I wish I do not exist. There's a line that goes, "be careful what you wish for"... and yes I am quite scared when I had that wish. But then again, how can I not exist? I am already living in what we called the REALITY!
Maybe it is my imagination helping me to cope up with this little depression of mine, but right now all I could do to fight or shall I say handle my current situation is make myself believe that someday, I would be able to go to a peaceful place...
A place filled with beauty,
of flowers so lovely and the fragrance so sweet...
of breeze so gentle, tickling my innermost solitude...
of sky so adorable wish I could fly and touch it...
of the lavish sunset, wish time would stop then and there to capture its marvel...
of soft green grass where I could sit and enjoy the scene...
of that precious time where pain is unknown, problems unseen...
of a thought that I am alone yet not lonely...
of feeling the need to smile because of happiness...
of giving out a soft cry of laughter because of freedom...
of savoring simple pleasures this place could give...
an honest bliss, a refuge to take...
After closing my eyes for a while thinking of this scene, I feel better... It actually worked! To all those who feel so down, you might as well try my way... maybe it will work and help you cope up...
But yeah sometimes, you just need somebody to talk to... I just don't feel to talk to anybody yet... not now...